Poetry through the Seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Toying with him,
like the dolls
who used to play
her children.
Lifting her skirt,
she tries to
draw him inside.
Fingers like birds
fly away, arms
dance in the air.
She pouts.
Feelings hurt
when not believed,
she plays her
torture game
until he’s bloody.
* * *
darkness and
silence ‘til
the monster appears
spilling our secrets
like your seed
on the ground
You don’t know me,
she yells.
You don’t even know yourself.
The light in your eyes
is new.
Never there before,
in the bloody days.
* * *
She wipes the pain
from the corners
of his mouth,
remembers a time
when they kissed.
She sees the new man,
the one who sacrificed.
She hated him once,
but now believes
he can be good.
He hurls his faults
at her like weapons,
begs her to end him.
But he’s not the enemy.
He’s been losing time.
Waking up in strange places.
Hating the face staring back
from the mirror.
She doesn’t hate herself,
not anymore.
She may not love this man,
but she believes in him.
In what he’s fought for.
In how he’s changed.
In his ability to do good.
And that may be enough.
Though my heart no longer beats,
it still aches, the past sour
like blood in my mouth.
I don’t want to remember,
but that song keeps taking me back.
Strolling the night,
smoking cigarettes in bars,
I seek truth.
When truth remains elusive,
I take out my flask.
One girl follows to see if I’m good,
but I’m more than a little bad.
That gets me pretty far most nights.
She likes me better when I sin.
They all like me better.
But sin no longer satisfies.
Filled with sorrow, yet no way to repair,
I bare my chest and ask to die.
She refuses. In dying, she says,
the good disappears with the bad.
She knows both. In me, in the world,
and certainly in herself.
The truth bleeds and eats away at my heart,
making me remember so many lives taken.
That song makes me remember
the pain I struggle to forget.
* * *
Lies.
The ones who love us tell them.
Lies.
Lies to lay us down.
Lies to wake us up again.
Convincing us that we’re to blame.
But they’re not real.
The words, the lovers,
both mainly in our heads.
The pain? That’s real.
The truth? Lies.
What does a man do
but to love
when he’s hurt you?
What does a girl do
when she’s pushed him away,
deservedly oh for sure,
but abandoned now
for lack of her?
What does a man do
when he hurts
but to love?
But to love is
to bring pain and
pain can’t wash
sins away,
though the sting lessens
as he throws himself
onto the cross for a rest.
A flower
that shouldn’t exist.
I watch it bloom,
realizing I’ve frightened
away everyone.
The earth yawns,
or maybe only
pretends to yawn,
mouth open wide
to swallow us whole.
Lady in shadows,
full of her own voices,
gave me life
yet plunged me
into darkness.
Now the only place
to have me.
The flower no one
will pick.
The yellow crayon
looked like the sun.
She wanted to take it
inside her body,
color over her fear,
but she pressed too hard
and the crayon broke
into pieces.
She began to cry.
Her best friend rescued
the sunny segments
and tried to press them
back together.
Her tears made him feel
like he did when his mother
yelled at him.
He hated when his mother
yelled at him.
I’m sorry, he said
to the teacher.
I broke the yellow crayon.
* * *
The girl, now grown,
doesn’t want to hear
that he loves her,
tiny and scared,
ugly and evil.
That he remembers
the yellow crayon.
But his is the only voice
she can hear.
Her rage recedes
as a volcano of sorrow
storms from her eyes.
And he holds her.
Just that.
* * *
When the world returns,
it’s spring,
when flowers reach up
and we crawl from the ground
to follow,
far from wellness,
but healing,
able to see the beauty
of the blossoms.
And when we least expect it,
our soul returns.
girl fight
between friends
both strong
who wins
* * *
A strawberry, ready to pop,
but instead of sweetness,
there is putrefaction,
threatening even friends.
For there are no friends
when love is dead,
only fading moments
when love told her
she was beautiful.
Then death –
the great eraser.
If darkness disappears,
she is left with nothing.
Love is dead
and sorrow squeals
its hatred.
A naked throat
is vulnerable
to a blade,
to a bullet.
And if the skin bleeds,
the pain escapes,
leaving behind
an empty shell.
Raise your swords,
if you must.
There is no protection.
He’s my enemy, not my boyfriend
(though sometimes
I can’t tell the difference).
He says his darkness
is in the past, but his edges
are still tinged with black.
He tries to hurt me,
but I’m too busy hurting him
to notice.
The more damage I do,
the more he loves me.
And when he’s bad,
I long to kiss him.
Smashed together,
we can’t part.
Pleasure, pain,
they’re just the same.
Walls cave in.
Ceilings fall.
As do we,
amid the wreckage.
If you can make me
forget the lies you told,
would you steal
my other things?
Even my dreams?
Leaving you
and the stories behind,
I fly away
from the blue
of your eye,
the smile I thought
meant you were happy.
Memories, all
up in smoke
like a witch’s spell,
and even if I love you,
I don’t remember.
You stole that
from me too.
Are you my partner
or my editor?
Lover or predator?
I carry boxes
out the door,
leaving you
to find regret
on the bathroom
floor.
It would have
been easy
for me to stay,
but you gave that,
you gave it away.
You stole my
memories.
Would you lie
and take my
other things?
CCBDCC the way he looks at me
CCBDCC it’s not like i don’t see
FFEGFF there have been men before
FFEGFF and one that i adored
CDCDCC but i’ve been dead awhile
CCCCB♭B♭ and he can make me smile
FGFGFF with just one look at me
FGFGFF he’s so not good for me
CDCDCC he follows me at night
CDCDCC he longs to hold me tight
FGFGFF but i push him away
FGFGFF though i wish that he’d stay
CDCDCC cuz i’ve been dead awhile
CCCCB♭B♭ and it’s so hot his smile
FGFGFF it feels so good to me
FGFGFF to have him look at me
DFEGFDC if i give myself to him
DFEGF will i lose my soul
CCCDCC he was my enemy
CCCDCC now sees the girl in me
FFFGFF but i push him away
FFFGFF though i wish that we’d play
CDCDCC cuz he’s been dead awhile
CCCCB♭B♭ and i can make him smile
FGFGFF i wish he’d leave me be
GAGAGG why won’t he look at me
CDCDCC don’t want my friends to know
CDCDCC cuz hey he’s not my beau
FGFGFF but i’ve been dead awhile
FGFGFF and it’s so hot his smile
CDCDCC i follow him at night
CCCCB♭B♭ and then he holds me tight
FGFGFF he’s so not good for me
FGFGFF why can’t i leave him be
DFEGFDC if i give myself to him
DFEGF will i lose my soul
CCBDCC it’s not like i don’t see
CCBDCC the way he looks at me
FFEGFF i have known men before
FFEGFF it’s nice to be adored
CDCDCC but i’ve been dead awhile
CCCCB♭B♭ and it’s so hard to smile
FGFGFF i know that i should flee
FGFGFF but then he looks at me